Category: Uncategorized

Procrastination

Procrastination: Out of Fear or because of Laziness?

Which one is it? I think I procrastinate out of fear. The unknown is scary, so it is easier to just exist in the reoccurring day in day out minutiae of life. How would you know what will work if you do not go and attempt it?

I have an on and off-again relationship with writing. Once I start, I do not stop but I do not attempt to publish or complete anything because of this fear. Procrastination for me is a tiny voice in my head saying that you should not do x or y. Why? I live in my head. There is the tiny voice that says I will not be able to.

This year I am going to change that. There are several goals I want to accomplish and years from now when I am old and gray I do not want to say, “why did I not try?” Here’s to change and inevitable growth.

Meh

Blog Post: Self-Worth

It is an interesting concept with which I’ve attempted to answer for myself. Do I believe in myself? I’ve worked on accepting myself and have been working on what identity means but I don’t think I believe that I’m worth other people’s time.

I also wonder if the concept of self-worth is a result of constant demand of perfectionism.

After some reflection I know it’s due to a constant hyper vigilance for being perfect. It is illogical to assume that everything I’ll do is perfect, that the way I write or dress has to meet someone’s standards. I write in a conversational tone and I may not use correct grammatical English or prose but I don’t really care.

I want to write to the point that I can easily produce five hundred-word documents. To then build upon that and produce one thousand-word documents. I wonder what is the easiest way to do that. I’ve been working on concepts of identity and accepting each piece of who I am for the last month. It has truthfully felt longer than that. Time fly’s while you’re having fun, they say, but I wonder if time slows down when you’re being authentic and honest with yourself allowing for self-reflection to be had and to change.

It is cliché to use my blog as a means to express myself, as everyone does that but I’m wanting to write and express my thoughts. Perhaps even some short stories. I was dared to write a screen play for how I thought the StarWars movies should’ve ended.

I think I’m going to reflect on that and start writing.

Despite the void the internet potentially creates I encourage anyone who feels alone to shoot me a email.

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Introduction – Stories of Eyja

Before my father was king, the land was factitious with mountain chieftains raiding the dwarven mines, stealing their treasure, and causing a weakened diplomatic state. Neither the dwarves nor humans liked each other with constant raiding from both factions.

This allowed for the Dark Alfar to invade from the south, they marched upon the port city, swiftly took it, and solidified their claim in that region.

Not knowing the purpose of the invaders my father called for a meeting, requesting that the tribes elect a king, which has not happened since I was born. My father being who he was became the king of the mountain tribes. As a ruler of our tribe he consolidated everyone into a wooden palisade which was boarded by a river to the east and woods to the south. It was neselted to the west and north by mountains.

As leader of the tribes Ulfar sent envoys to the Dark Alfar to the south. They reached an agreement that they would not venture from the city if the people of the island paid them tribute. Noticing that they had an army of 10,000 trained warriors who looked like they saw battle the envoies agreed to return within a fortnight.

Bringing the response of the Dark Alfar to Ulfur served to enrage the king. Ulfur, not knowing what to do, as they constantly fought the dwarf lords to the west, had battle hardened men, but a population weary of battle. Attempting to appease both sides he told the envoies to agree to the tribute demands.

This happened three years ago. Overtime the tribute demands increased, as they slowly encroached on our lands the people became restless. My father grew old and was blind to the Alfar as they gave him gifts. It was he that allowed them to annex lands close to the port city in exchange for gold. My father sold us out. Greed is the undoing of man.

I am my father’s eldest son, Afbera and I have recorded the accounts so that others may learn. My father being blind to what was occurring slowly diminished, physically, mentally, and I took over running the kingdom as regent. I was accepted without much complaint as I have always been the face of the kingdom. Going out leading raids, hunting with other chiefs, and then throwing feasts for the people. During this time of being the face and my father betraying what we stood for, honor, justice, and integrity, other chieftains began to pressure me and request that war be declared on the Dark Alfar.

I approached my father, sitting on the throne, describing the will of the people, pleading that we fight, but he refused to declare war. “Numbers cannot dictate the course of our land,” I told father, “The spirit of the people is unanimous and we’d rather fight than to slowly give away more land and one day our freedom.” Getting off the throne, my father came up to me, reeking of wine, “Are you king, boy? Do you know anything of leadership? How could you think that you know best?!” Slapping me across the face he stumbled off outside to find more wine. Angry at his words, at him slapping me across the face I ran outside, grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around. “I’ve been the leader these last three years, I’ve lead the hunts, the raids, and thrown the winter solstice feast! I’ve been a better king than you, father you lack all honor and are not fit for the throne.” His face went red, and became dark with a great roar rising from his throat, “Guards! Seize my son and throw him out into the wild!”